Truth Is, I'm Stuck

"You are the least effective when you feel the most qualified. You lose your strength in God when you feel able to handle what's at hand."
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A few day ago I accidentally deleted the post I had planned for today (I was kind of devastated). I've spent the past four days trying to replicate it, all to no avail. Then I discovered this old blog draft buried in the archives from three-ish years ago; it never got posted. Seemed like the perfect opportunity to dust this one off and send it out.

It turns out that a bunch of those truths I was learning then are doubly true now. Here goes some honesty from twenty-year-old, single me, revamped with a little of my married mom-self thoughts.

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"Truth is..." the people who use that phrase tend to be liars. And I've been lying, to myself and to some of you. Truth is, I don't want to be here. Truth is, I could easily buy a plane ticket and jet off somewhere, and I'd like that a lot. Truth is, I'm scared of staying stuck.

I'll get back to that in a minute.

The Colorado wilderness gave me new sights and sounds. Skies bluer than sapphire and closer to the touch. Breezes whispering through pines and aspens. Wind sucking words from my head as it caught me full-blast at the top of a mountain. The sound of a group of voices, young and old, excited and tired, thankful and confused, rising up in the middle of the forest, worshiping around a campfire as the stars up above told us a story that we could not read. 

That last one was my favorite sound, by the way.

During those crazy times I didn't write like I used to. I didn't have a lot to say. I was too busy being empty and exhausted and uncertain. All of my effort went into doing the next thing. I was a counselor all summer at Lutheran Valley Retreat in Colorado. I loved every minute. My intense love for that place also came with great fear. Every day was another trek into that vast darkness outside of my comfort zone.

That's where God led me. Scary, untracked wilderness. And you know what? I couldn't wait to go back.

All of that adventuring gave me a big head. Like I was incredibly superior to other people because I'd been living while they had simply been...commuting. And as soon as He threatened to take all of that away, I started revolting.

I had to face the fact that being dragged around by God's glorious coattails doesn't make me extra special. Though I badly wanted to assume that it did. It wasn't my hard work that got me any of those places. God plopped me in situations and told me to tread water. Somewhere along the way, I learned how to swim. Naturally, He immediately changed up the terrain and had me hiking mountains (literally and figuratively).

I'm as normal as they come, most days. I have to commute and eat leftovers and find creative methods to wake up in the morning. I get bored and selfish and there are days where I stop trying. I hate brushing my teeth and making my bed (even though I'm not seven years old anymore).

But what if. What if all that wandering and traveling had only been a season? What if I wasn't really an adventure girl, and now it was time to do the boring thing: being stuck as a "normal" person all day every day?

So let's go back to my "truth is" moment. Here's the truth.

I don't trust God.

I'm not rejecting church or burning my faith or throwing away my Bible. I'm just letting you know that sometimes, I have trouble believing what He says.

The kicker about all of this is that every single time God has asked me to go on an adventure, I have said, "No." The adventures He offered me were never the scenarios that I pictured, so each time He showed me something, I balked. "Really, God? There?"

Years and years ago, I begged Him to let me go places. I had a vision in my head of my life as a travel blogger or magazine writer, single and alone but always surrounded by fun people. But instead of jumping all over the earth in my little single rowboat, I've followed others. I've been a part of things. I've had to stick it out when it got tough, instead of disappearing every time I got the chance. I've turned into a housewife and a baby mama.

What He's been showing me, through all this change, is that every circumstance in life has the potential to be either an adventure or a catastrophe. And the deciding factor is me. My willingness to be involved changes everything.

As terrified as I am of being normal and lost and 100% confused, He planned that. He knows something that I don't.

This "mediocrity" that is day-to-day living? It's my next adventure.

He wants to use me in the fullest way possible, and that means giving me strength in the moments when I am weak. The moments where maybe I don't see a point to any of this. As a stay-at-home mom, there are tons of these lurking around. It's easy to feel stuck.

What will your day be? It's your choice, as much as mine. Will it be an adventure, or a catastrophe? Something to laugh about, or a reason to feel like a failure?
"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly will I boast in my infirmities (weaknesses), that the power of Christ may rest upon me (and work in me). Therefore I take pleasure (and delight in) infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 CORINTHIANS 12:9-10 (emphasis added)
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I'm not condoning being truly stuck, just so you know. All you people who have a chance to fly around with God? Don't complain that you can't carry your closet and your dog with you. For heaven's sake, just go! You'll figure out the rest along the way. Do what God has given you this very minute. Just...don't be afraid to do something stupid in order to get where He wants you to be.

4 comments:

  1. I relate to this so very much. I was a wanderer, a try-a-few-things...like backpacking, skiing (both kinds), hiking, and I was a move often person and change jobs. I loved that and thought that that was all the best of life. But I knew I was missing something and that turned out to be Jesus. I met Him when I was 45 (now I am 69). I also met my 2nd husband then too. I still crave some adventure but physically can no longer do much of that. I played hard early in life and am paying for some of it now. But I have no regrets. The neat thing for me right now is that my husband and I have lived in this home that he built for us for these past 24 years. We are selling it to move to a place with pine trees and hills. We are along the coast with palm trees now. Just needing a change and before we cannot move. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me. God surely has a wonderful plan for you and what you called an adventure does not have to halt with a child and dog and husband. It truly is the way you walk this life...one step at a time.

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    1. I loved my time as a wanderer, too! It's easy to miss it. But like you said, adventures don't halt with the changes. Your story is beautiful to me; it's inspiring to know older women who are still fleshing out their faith and being willing to grow. I appreciate that you don't have regrets and that you're living life to the fullest right now. Thank you so much for sharing, Linda.

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  2. Hi Caity, Great post. There are always seasons in life in our walk with the Lord. I pray that you can enjoy the adventure of serving His people in the "wilds" of the internet during this more 'limited' season for you. I stopped by from Mississippi Mom today and enjoyed my read.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! And also for the prayers. I think we are only limited by our circumstances in our heads. God definitely isn't limited! He wants to take me further than I can even imagine :)

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