She Believed

I'm the type of person that is often too scared to live big. Afraid that every tiny move I make will be the one that sends the building crashing down around my ears. I'm so focused on not screwing things up that I can't even take a deep breath; all I can manage are thousands of shallow ones.

I'm tired. Tired of trying to make things happen that I have no control over. Tired of planning my day and watching it all crumble in my hands.

It feels like I've been short on air for weeks now, catching my breath only to have the wind knocked out of me again in a day or two. And when you don't have enough air, everything suffers: you can't sleep well, you forget what to focus on, your endurance is shot.

I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know how to let go of the things that stress me out until I'm so exhausted that I give up completely.

But God is right there. Willing to take every burden, every fear, every concern I have ever had and drown them all in His deep love. 
I'm too busy expecting to not be enough that I forget to expect God to be enough. I need to be expectant, waiting, ready for Him to show up in my life every. single. day.

Expect God to come through. Expect to see His glory revealed.

"Jesus said to her, 'Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?' " John 11:40

Jesus said this to Martha, right before raising her brother from the dead. Do we want to see God's awesome power revealed? Then we have to spend time believing and expecting Him to come through - in His own timing.
In these moments of waiting, we have the luxury of taking deep, soulful breaths, gulping down as much air as we can handle, taking in every piece of vibrant life. Because waiting on the Lord isn't about being bored in a stale room; it's about expecting such great things that we don't have to cut short our supply of air.

" 'Blessed is she who believed, for there will be a fulfillment of those things which were told her from the Lord.' " Luke 1:45

Have you ever let God actually plan your day? We all have our routines and schedules, and they can be so good for our motivation and for taking care of our families. But I challenge you to take a whole day where He leads the way.

Start the night before. Pray over the coming day, asking Him to wake you up when He wants you up. I had a week where I woke up early to have devotions and workout before the baby was up, and I wore myself out. Then I regressed and slept in as long as possible, and my days felt like they were running away from me. But the past few mornings, I haven't set an alarm. And God has been waking me up at odd times in the morning, and so I get up and I go to be with Him.
The God of the Universe wants to have your heart. Don't you think that that includes the little things, too? The things we stress over, the things we wish our husbands and children would do, the things we want to make happen but obviously can't?

About six months ago, my husband applied for a bunch of camp jobs. We both wanted to see our lives involved in ministry again, to see a clear purpose in what we're doing. This year has been tough to find that.

We prayed. We sought God off and on, dodging between faith and our own selfish agendas.

Then, nothing. Not a word. No job offers, no leads on a new place to be. So we stopped searching, and tried to let it go. It seemed that we had heard a resounding "no" from God.
What do you pray when you hear "no"? What happens then? I struggled with that. With expecting God to answer other prayers, lead us to other things, when He had said no to something so big for us.

About a week and a half ago, maybe two weeks, we heard from one of the camps that AdventureDad had applied to...nearly six months ago. Within a week, he had had two interviews with them, sent in his resume, and got the job.

Crazy, insane timing. Not something we could have planned ourselves at all. In about a week, we have packed up our lives, said goodbyes, and decided to move to Texas. God has worked out a lot of details for us.

Yet for some reason, I have still allowed the stress to hit me. I've worn myself out trying to make sure every item is packed perfectly, that every day we get so much accomplished. And it's silly. If I can trust Him to take care of the "big" things, than why am I such an idiot when it comes to the small ones?
Yes, I am constantly tired physically. Yes, I have so much that is my job to do as a wife and mommy. But it's a good kind of full. Because the harder it's been for me to breathe, the more I let go of what's not important. The more I can look God in the eye and say, "I have to trust You right now, because I can't do it."

We all have the luxury of living life to the fullest. To breathing deeply and throwing caution to the wind because God calls us to be bold and courageous and trust Him with the details. (Prayer and some yoga are great for getting back those deep breaths, by the way.)

Moving is hard. Moving with a baby is harder. Saying goodbye to friends and family, looking at the mountains and knowing that Texas is flat, noticing the list of places I wanted to go in Colorado is largely unfinished...it's a bit sad. But nothing compares to going on adventures with God. Afterall, that's how I ended up in Colorado to begin with.

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