Loved by You

Photos taken yesterday at Cheyenne Mountain Canyon. I was missing water, so I tracked it down.
Each time, it's the same thing: God is the same, and I am not. But when I feel these changes happening to me, I tear around the new territory, terrified of who I am and what this means, confused by the fact that it feels like God is different.

But He's not.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

The problem is, knowing He does not change makes me assume that my relationship with Him will also not change. Utter crap, obviously.

I've been fighting the changes. And, most importantly, I've been fighting the way my relationship with God looks and feels like. Instead of allowing things to come to pass, I've been frustrated by my inability to control what is going on here. I expect the record of our relationship to be a steady incline of growth, always taking steps upward on a logical path to "success" - that ultimate point where I get to commune with God in Heaven.

Instead, I have felt far away from God. As if there's a wall of white noise between us. I either fill this silence with prayers that jump around from a list of needs to intercession for others to pleading for a sign...or I just sit with my Bible open before me, silently muttering, "Where are You? I don't feel You here. This just feels fake. Like a lie."

Notice the recurrence of the word feel.

You may or may not know this, but every relationship must be based on truth. Otherwise it cannot function (for long). Feelings are always involved, certainly. But they cannot lead the charge. And I've been letting them. I can blame pregnancy hormones, because I am very pregnant and will cry without any sort of reason. But it goes deeper than that and I know it.

So today, I am taking deep breaths and focusing on the simple, repetitive words of songs like these:

Forever Reign 

by Passion Worship Band

"...You are good
You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love
You are love
On display for all to see..."

Good, Good Father

by Chris Tomlin

"...You're a good, good Father
It's who You are, it's who You are, it's who You are
And I'm loved by You
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am..."

There is no need to fill the silence between us. No need to beg for constant, verbal affirmation by God. He's already told me how much He loves me. Everything I knew before is still true.

I am not the same. And I never will be again.

Pregnancy has forever changed my body. Marriage has affected my time and personality. Being in the place I am has altered the way I think.

All that is required of me is this:

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"  

(Psalm 46:10)

No comments:

Post a Comment