Control


I love driving off the main highways and getting views like this on Colorado road trips.
I've always been sort of a "go with the flow" type of person, and I have a good time just being...without having to take charge of the situation. But for some reason, whenever the control I do have (perceived or real) begins to slip away, I start to freak out. I scrabble around in the dirt trying to find it again.

It's like chasing leaves in the wind.

Why? Because "control" is not something I really have in life. I can make my own decisions, sure. But their outcome is leaps and bounds away from anything I've ever been able to predict.

I cannot control the driver next to me. My friendships. The shoppers in the supermarket that I have to steer my cart around. My husband. Even the unborn child inside my tummy is outside of my control! So why do I keep trying to preserve this authority? I never had it in the first place.

Don't believe me? Read Romans 7:13-25. Paul obviously has experienced a fight for power to control his own thoughts and actions. "So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin." (vs. 25b)
One of my first climbing excursions at Shelf Road. Man was I unprepared for the mental challenge of climbing. 

Pregnancy has now reached the point where it has taken over me. Every day I feel more of myself slip into an abyss (and if the mom stories are to be believed, I will probably never be getting most of those pieces back). Things like...

  • my brain I'm telling you I have lost the ability to make efficient decisions and finish projects of any kind!
  • my ability to get comfortable (the couch, floor, bed; no matter where I am, as soon as I find a sweet spot, I have to get up to pee, which brings me to...)
  • my bladder
  • my energy levels (I'm tired, so...should I eat? take a nap? exercise? no clue which one - if any - will actually boost my energy)
  • my desire for food (hungry all the time, yes; but do I want to eat food? no)

I cried about it last week. Pathetically, I might add. I cried about losing my mind. About being confused as to how to take care of my body. How on earth do you rally your physical self into action when you can't tell how to pacify it? Food might only aggravate whatever is bothering it now.

I'm used to telling my body to suck it up. This is how I get enjoyment and motivation for working out, rock climbing, snowboarding, going to social activities, cleaning. I tell my body to get it together and then I do it. But now, it's different. Now I have to listen to my body. Take care of myself. Rest more. Not be afraid of naps.

It's war, I tell you. Every day.

And I feel powerless to actually make the right call. If I listen to what I, personally, want to do, then my body literally commits mutiny and stops working properly. If I listen to my body and give it what it wants, I end up feeling purposeless and having nothing to show for the day. I freakin want my control back.

God, however, keeps nudging it out of reach...and subtly pushing me into a place where I don't know what to do anymore. I'm quite certain I have no idea how to be a mom. But ready or not, this baby's going to arrive in a bit over a month...

All of the adventures in my life only became adventures because they shredded my plans within five minutes and took me for a ride that I could not have put together. And they happened with people that let the plan go without a fight, and went running into the unknown with abandonment.

A backpacking trip that turned into surfing-in-a-small-town for two or three days (who needs to hike when you have the ocean to play with?). A road trip to Montreal that somehow did not kill us, even though we took an hour+ ride with a strange man in a van because our car gave up on life. A five-month detour working at a ski resort in Colorado that became a yearlong adventure of mountains...and then two years...and is now my new home (I'm a resident and I've been here for three years).

The point of all this, you may be asking?

I don't know where my life is headed. I barely even remember how I got here. But I am ready to relinquish all control I think I have and simply be on this adventure with God. Here's to living with abandon. 
At the top of my first fourteener, Mt. Democrat

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