Doubt

I can't help but stare longingly at the photos in my newsfeed, tracking with wistful eyes the plates of exotic food, the views I've never seen before, the action shots of doing new activities that I know often land in your lap when you're off traveling. When you go on an adventure, the adventure starts to take hold of you...

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to..." (J.R.R. Tolkien)

I miss that feeling. The road sweeping me away. Being surrounded by people who step up and say, "Hey, let's do this," and I go and do without a thought otherwise. Fear is a thing to be challenged, and all I want to do is keep living gloriously so that I have a story to tell later. 

I sigh and whisper intently to myself, "But you're on a different adventure now."

I see my husband sleeping soundly next to me, feel our unborn baby kicking my ribs...and I know that I am not wrong. This is a whole new world of exploration.

But as I tuck my phone away, trying to pretend that all that exists is this moment where I am here (and not a thousand others where I've been somewhere else), I feel betrayed by adventure. I was on an adventure in Colorado; that's how I ended up here. I wanted it to springboard me into a thousand other wanderings...then, when I was exhausted by travel and new people, then would I settle and find a nest.
But it's like the settling found me instead.

I don't like being told I have to do something. I have always thrashed against social norms and basic life principles that really aren't worth fighting against. Somehow, I let a tiny thought grow in my heart. I watered it and watched it take over. The thought is now a small tree:

Being a wife and mother was forced on you.


And that thought, as you can imagine, changes everything. It adds an aspect of fear and apprehension to the pregnancy that doesn't need to be there. It keeps me second-guessing my self-worth as a "just" a wife, without a job or goal or purpose in life.

It makes me the victim, caught in life like it's some storm that I am powerless to face.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." (James 1:5-8)

But I am not a victim. I made the choices that landed me here (if you don't know my marriage/pregnancy story, that's one for another time). And more than that, I believe in a God that brings His plan out of whatever mess that I make. Or at least...I say I believe that. 

It's time I face this. Kill that weed-tree sowing doubt within me. Surrender to what God has for me in this very place, in a tiny Colorado apartment on a Saturday morning with a mug of granola and almond milk for breakfast. Step out of the darkness and into the light. 


As a wife and mother, I have even more of a challenge to be an adventurer. To instill the love of adventuring in my child (the child that's getting very close to coming out of me and meeting the real world). To not just read and talk about the things I believe, but live them in a way that changes my family. 

Talk about responsibility. Makes me want to run away a little bit. But I hear the whisper that has stilled my heart before,

"You are not your own. You are mine. I choose when you will stay and when you will go."

God has had to remind me of this a lot. When I want to stay, He asks me to go. And when I want to go? He tells me it's time to stay. And my purpose is to listen and obey. 
My laptop died, so all these photos are swiped from ones of me that are on Facebook...pic creds go to my lovely friends Dailyn (over at BlessedBlossom) and Jenn (who I think has stopped blogging for the moment).

1 comment:

  1. LOVE! Yes, there are some extremely challenging situations thrust upon us at times. Sometimes we are the cause and other times, it is others that mold chapters of our lives. I just wanted to acknowledge your strength, perseverance, courage, and dependency on God-You are an inspiration! Continue to pray and be authentic about your thoughts and feelings with Christ, even when it isn't pretty. He has you and your family and is holding you all close to His heart!

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